AS I SAIL

Young to dreams ambitions and alive to a perfected vision in a life driven by purpose and good will.

Opportunity of adventure awaits me there in the wild.
A great catch out there far from the coast, hence will not return without a heavy net...
I place one foot into the boat followed by the other.
Away from the shallow waters i pedal into the deep.
I reject still waters that reterd my competence
a small sized boat i am yet settle not for its size...
I therefore go out into the deep
far away where many despise hence few have sailed
too far for cowards but a challenge for the brave
it is a rough sea that produce a skillful sailor
so dive into the rough storms where my courage is sharpened and perseverance is put to a test.
My boat goes there where big ships sail,
where winds blow and waters rise, out far where i will be tossed.
Am aware of the challenges that await me yet my attitude out ways the fact...
Sailing out not like the lost, pedaling not like am blind, although with strength haste never.
With prayers of patience i drift away with wisdom into the unknown
 and am for sure not alone 
the lord my God is already before me 
He goes not to settle the storm and set my course beforehand.  
He is my rear guard who protects my feeble flame and strengthen my weak muscles
he won't let me stumble and even if i hit an iceberg he will be there

not home yet!

This is definitely going to be a hard topic for me yet glad to tackle it because it has been on my mind for some time, as I sat in meditation yesterday in a dark room left only me and my mind to entertain myself for the rest of the time till I could sleep, this was a slopping ground for the meandering of my thoughts.

There is no hard topic than that which fetches the past, but well, growing up as a little boy (before I joined new hope Uganda) life lost its meaning for many reasons, but what I want to talk about today is the lack of a home, this can take different measures of meaning, whether a physical home or people that I myself call family, my childhood years are filled with memories of movement from one village to another and from one neighborhood to the other only cared for by those who understood the situation. Day time was the best time for me because I was nowhere around the “house” and because child care was and is poor among people in the village none bothered looking for me, but trouble came at sun setting, this was a time to face the reality of being homeless, a time to regret my behavior earlier in the day for my sleeping in that small mad grass thatched house was entirely determined by my earlier acts. I remember days when I didn't measure up, when I did not do good enough to deserve spending the night there.

Having been raised in that kind of environment there has been a struggle within me to live different from how I was raised, to simply work hard to provide myself a place I call home, this has been a genuine fight yet has been discouraged by the way things have been not working as planned, it has indeed made me think of how this is going to be difficult especially putting in account of the economy of Uganda at large.

The lord at the same time has caught hold of my heart changing things round to pointing to a better home than walls and a roof, my view of a home was distorted by childhood experiences to creating in me a lifelong desire to build and create something which would last forever instead of concentrating on myself who was meant to last forever.

 For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven:

 What i don’t actually understand while on this earth is that life is a temporary assignment, i not yet home, life here on earth is described as  a mist, a wisp of smoke,

 (For we are but of yesterday, and know nothing, because our days upon earth are a shadow:)

While on this earth i get so much attached to it that i fail to let go, it offer many good temporary items that I may mistake it to be my final destination and home, this is one thing that I appreciate from the story of my childhood, that although it was hard to live in those days the lord was teaching me not to settle for less, not to settle for what the world was offering me but through the struggles look for a home after knowing that am only but a stranger.

 I am a stranger in the earth: hide not thy commandments from me.

If I don’t posse a home here on this earth then there must be a better home, but the struggle is thinking that this is all that life has and settling as citizen forgetting that my home is in heaven with Christ. These homes are just a tip of a fore shadow of what we are to meet in heaven.

 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God.

We are Christ’s ambassadors here on this earth but we have for some reason become traitors by falling in love with a place that is not ours.

We find no satisfaction on this earth because this is not where our ultimate satisfaction lies, we were not meant to be here forever, the sad fact is that some have become like fish that happily lives outside water an incident that never should occur.

Let us stretch our faith (Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.) to the unseen and see heaven as our home. Let us understand that this life is a small proportion of our life after death when we will finally live the rest of lives in his glory. The 100 years of this life is just like the tip of an iceberg but the rest of life in eternity is the big unseen part under the surface.

I most times find myself in the footsteps of a retiring missionary coming back home on the same ship with the president of united states, a cheering crowds, a military band and a red carpet and the media welcomed the president home but the missionary slipped off unnoticed. Feeling self-pity and resentment, he began complaining to God just like any human, then the lord gently reminded him, but my son, “you are not home yet”

So when life gets tough, when am overwhelmed with doubt, or when I wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, I am reminded that am not home yet. Knowing that I won’t leave home by death- but will go home where I was meant to be.

BY: kiggundu wilson via the purpose driven life

pillars of mistrust (part three)

I must say I had little knowledge and understanding on what trusting and hoping in God had to do with my relationship with him, and while I was reading his holy word my eyes where blind to verses talking about trusting and putting my hope in God until now that my mind has been awakened to this reality. My luck of trusting in this great God hindered me from truly seeing God as he is but rather viewing him in an angle that I viewed men based from the story of my childhood, it is sad that I thought he would leave me for my not being updated or measuring up, and despite my desire and longing for a better relationship than the one experienced, I knew He would one day walk out of my life especially in days when waves were too high for navigation. I know I was wrong and probably God was looking at me with mercy and grace yet I had too many lies around me to feel grace.

 As I have been sitting every evening at my veranda  (it can get pretty hot here) I have been soaked deep into the mystery of trusting in my lover and finding the purpose of my existence. Remember that my heart at this point had come to a point of fully without doubt understanding that i gave God my heart but denied him the trust and hope, As I have been reading my chronological bible I have come to know that God is pointing to something and going somewhere with every story and it requires faith trust, belief and hope to take a walk with him.

God made old Israelites wander in the desert and not enter the Promised Land and the root of everything was their lack of trust in the God who had delivered and was their sustenance up to that far. Why would these people not trust God even after witnessing all that Moses did in his name?

The lord said, how long will these people treat me with contempt?  How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them? (Numbers 14:10-12)

I read this as if the lord was talking directly to me, how long will you not trust and believe me? I could of course not answer but with stillness i questioned my own actions of mistrust.

It is further astonishing knowing the reason why great leaders (Moses and Aaron) were denied the privilege of entering the Promised Land,

But the lord said to Moses and Aaron, “because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them”.(numbers 20:12)

Trust was a key factor here, something even brilliant leaders like Moses and Aaron could not do without.

The lord is really opening my heart to understanding that trusting him and having perfect hope is very crucial in my relationship with him, and finally believing that I actually glorify God when I trust him, not trusting in him has far more consequences than can be thought of, my soul has been haunted by every day circumstances through constant worry and misery with the hope that I can clear all the obstacles a head of my way yet the more I did the more fog in my way was. I have carried all the weight that there is on my weak back instead of letting him take it all. I have also struggled having peace of mind which has been my aim amidst tribulation, this has deprived all of my everything just because trust and hope was my weak points, and my pillars have been challenged and put to a test of holding me in time of trouble but because foundations on which they were built on was not strong enough, fear has been my immediate company yet,

But why not trust in the lord, why doubt his works done in the past and assurance of things not yet seen, wake up my soul, rise within me and trust your maker. In you o, lord do I trust, let me not be put to shame. and may I not be counted among those who your judgment falls on because of disbelief,

For this hope I was saved, but hope that is seen in no hope at all, who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have yet we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

Listen to me, o kiggundu, you who I have upheld since you were conceived and you I have carried since your birth… I am he; I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:3-4

And the one who trusts in the lord will never be put to shame. Romans 9:33

Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but in the name of the lord my god I trust (psalm 20:7)

I yet know there days when my trust in him is put to a test by the trouble that surrounds me and thoughts of the past but when am afraid  I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise, in God  I trust so will not be afraid ( Psalm 56:3-4)

So now I set out in dedication to trusting and hoping entirely in God, he who formed me and made, he who lives not very far away from me for he is my present help in time of need. Let the storm rise above my head, let the sound roar to my ears but you lord I trust, the hope of my salvation and refuge on this earth where i am only but a foreigner, only a passerby. so until you come or call me home, you alone indeed determine my destiny, help me trust in you with unwavering faith.

BY: kiggundu wilson

pillars of mistrust (part two)

I did not know this was going on in my life until my small ship was faced with a huge wave more than it could master, Because I hide nothing from those close to my heart I considered help from a friend asking for prayers and seeking Gods peace even in the storm ahead of me, (this wasn't exactly how I presented the matter) this friend saw my doubting heart and wavering faith that they seriously asked me,  doesn't it make you happy and make you feel good when someone trusts you? How much more then does God delight in our trust in Him?  This was more than a Facebook message, it brought my mind to a point of re-evaluating my trust, comparing my trust in God with that I offered fellow men, do you really trust God kiggundu? was the echo that escorted me to bed that hot night and never left until I answered the haunting question. It was then that I realized how much I had given God my heart but denied him the trust he ought to have in the first place. I relaxed the moment he gave me part of him that I did not pursue more of what he had to give, and now am seated in my wooded chair outside on my porch only imagining the beauty I would have if I pursued all that he had to offer me, I find myself thinking of how I wasted those years of trail in putting my fragile trust in things less than the ultimate.

But in my distress and staying up late, filled with regrets and hopelessness of my unfulfilled desires, God was not ready to let me spend that time in vain but there and then proposed a tossed that would latter would bring me everlasting joy and satisfaction in heart, at that moment I felt like the lord was inviting me for something more than I have ever known and experienced just like I was invited to manhood not so long ago, an invitation to leave my childish behavior to join the company of godly men around me, this time the lord himself was inviting me into the holy of hollies  Seated in his mercy sit he was;

·         calling me to live out the trust I had always desired but feared expressing,

·          it was an invitation to drop my dead hopes and wavering faith to finally trust in him who had eternal value.

·         To stop carrying burden that don’t belong to me and carry the light ones he had to offer my weak back

·         To place self-guilt of the past into the forgiveness of his free sacrifice

And in all this he promised I would be a happier ship with my acre in him than elsewhere, giving total satisfaction that nothing else could offer (can’t get any better than this).

Those born with a silver spoon in their mouths and have means of gratifying desires know not what real happiness is, just like those who were built on pillars of mistrust can alone testify the sense of peace realized when you finally start trusting. I was wrong to assume my trusting journey was done when I partially scratched the surface but now am convinced am on the road that leads me home after giving into the proposal.

Yet in me am still asking myself why God waited this long and at the same time answered by the conscience of this quote;

“It is only those who live in scarcity who can appreciate the gift of abundance”

By his own purpose He let me pass into great turmoil of disappointment days of loneliness in the presence of thousands of people and made my eyes see acts that only moved me further away from those who owed me love so that I may have no hesitation in appreciating days like these when I would face the opposite.

pillars of mistrust (part one)

There are many things that shape the way each of us sees life, some know pillars on which their life is built while others live in complete unawareness of the phenomenon, when I mention pillars I picture a building whose support and existence entirely depends on how strong the pillars that support it are. And depending on the area and circumstances in which we were raised, experience has become our way of proving the right from wrong. The past experience then becomes the lens of living and viewing the past which does not only affect us but even the people around us.

Am one of those who believe that am created for a reason and because am not my own maker there lives one who exactly knows the purpose of my existence, it is never too late to be what you were made to be so seek the purpose of my existence with guaranteed assurance of an answer because am in love with Him. In amidst of all the trouble of knowing what this life is for, I knew I could not find the answer by lonely thoughts, worry and misery ( am one of those guys who thinks can solve life problems by thinking a lot and keeping it to myself, external help would show my weakness and vulnerability). Yet for this time, God took ahold of my heart like a citizen would hold a lost stranger’s hand taking him to where he should be, indeed I was like a ship looking for a harbor with no compass for direction.

I have been a believer since September of 2010 (please don’t doubt my word, for those who have been around me this is shocking yet true) and why did i not let God have control over my heart is because it had been hurt so deeply by those I risked it out to so really did not further hurt by a god who seemed very distant at a moment, for all of those years I was trying as much as possible to build thick impenetrable walls around my fragile heart. I trusted no one because I hated history repeating itself. with the experience gained from childhood God seemed another ordinary man who would disappoint me yet inside me was a desire to have a close friend, a man in my life that I would enjoy a personal relationship with, this idea seemed so hidden inside the walls I had created that none could sense its existence.

Growing up in a Christian atmosphere at a later stage of my life, the teachings I heard daily and verses I saw at every corner inch made me think about the idea of having a relationship with Him, three times I gave it a try but my manhood was not ready to beg for relationship and healing from a god who kept silent at  the brutality that crossed my face, (maybe that’s why I find difficult begging) I surely knew that trusting him was real by the smiles that those who did possessed, but I was ready to only view from a distance and regret passed experience that held captive. For the fourth time that I risked my heart to God, He had devised a plan, this time it wasn’t just giving it a try, no, it actually stuck. From then till now the lord has had my heart desiring to love him more every day and wanting a deeper relationship with him. I prayed that he may clean my heart of the passed hurt and fill it with something I knew not of, (what good could I ask him which I knew not of). But because I knew that mistrust was a pillar that my life had been built on i asked him for help in the area of trust beginning with men around me.

The following year was a year of flourishing harvest in the area of my weakness, when the lord helped me start trusting, I did not realize when it happened but reached a time when for some days my conscience told me something was wrong in my entire life. finding what had gone wrong took me some days of soul searching and heart evaluation, instead of my heart realizing something was now right, it rather convinced me something was not right and needs correction, well, I had started trusting, and because all I knew was the opposite my heart and mind could not handle the sudden change and drift. I was never the same, my heart was put to a place where it should be. My accountability was improved from doing things my way to doing them the way that godly people do and act (this also means I asked and updated people on what was going on in my life) but yet I can now look back at that “trust” and go,… who was I trusting?..... I can for sure say that although I began the trusting journey in my relationships more of the trusting went towards those around me than God, I went off the main road joining a path that only went farther away, I don’t regret the start of the journey for sure but wish I stayed on the main road that led to complete trusting in the one who gave me the gusts to start it, for all these months I have been sharing my testimony of his redemption while my trust and hope was in something less, so had settled for less all this time? Although one of my pillars was fixed, it was only painted to hide the cracks at the top yet underneath the foundation it had serious cracks that needed more that plastering and painting.

midnight prayer

Give life to my dead hopes, O,God my rock

Straighten my bent and weak points

Awaken my slumbering faith

And arouse my love for you just for another day.

I was nothing before you breathed into me;

your power was displayed when you redeemed my life form distraction,

And now glory you demand

but what is there in me that can glorify you? Other than my longing heart

Pride from your very provision has taken the glory you ought,

My heart has loved what you gave me more than its provider

It has rested for the shadow rather than its caster

And loved beauty more than glory,

What a wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? (1)

At dusk I wait patiently for your healing hand

I awake waiting in the morning for your new rising grace, as the sun brings forth my strength

For when I see you lord, I get the strength to face the day

Satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love o, lord,

That I may sing for joy all the days appointed for my breathe (2)

Let your faithfulness surround me every minute that I move

And may your favor not depart from my presence.

May your grace be close in areas where my weakness renders me worthless

And your mercies let them go before me till sunset.

Let the lord my God go before me and the lord of Israel , let him be my rear guard. (3)

Don’t punish me more than I can bear,

Yet sharpen my understanding and make me fit for the kingdom’s call

Search me o, God and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts,

and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

Treat me not according to the past, not according to my unbelief and disobedient heart,

For my attitude was against your will and my hearts character divided from your holy law.

Let your holiness reach my yesterday,

Clear and forgive my guilty conscience of days far gone

Free me from the haunt of heart breaks caused by my shortcomings

Living not by the failures of my past

But by the new hopes gained through your redemption

Because you rule even in my yesterday.

Protect your servants heart from today’s confidence

Prevent my heart from settling for less,

Hoping in that which is but for a moment

Am surrounded by a lot that promises satisfaction, faked gold and shiny silver.

Metal and plastic has waged war within me, as to which I should go after,

Cotton and leather has taken ahold of me

Yet I know that it is you who has purely what my soul needs.

You Jesus son of God,

Now, I seek rejoicing in each day you have set before me, saying,

This is the day the lord has made, I shall rejoice and be glad in it.

Taking each day as a step to meeting my appointed destiny of knowing you more

A day of getting close to having an intimate relationship with you my lover and savior

So let your ever present presence follow me even in days when I fail

My heart shall not shake because it is for this reason I was born,

To know you and seek your face in the process of giving your glory

For there is no power that circumvent the firm resolution of my determined soul.

Much indeed lies in days to come and beyond where no lustful eyes reach

I give you my trust and hope as a burnt sacrifice.

Only you knows what is before me so may I find favor in your sight for days to come.

Little have I seen yet the more I see the less I know for sure, (4)

This is when you teach me to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom (5)

Make me prosperous in the land where an alien am

Making me glad for as many day as you have inflicted your servant,

Yes, for as many years as I have seen trouble (6)

Making history fall far away from your great promises

Let hatred, malice and corruption fall back into the deep slope of yesterday

Love and peace plus justice lead my path into tomorrow

Not walking in the path paved by evil men but trusting the godly that saw the sun before me

And when my voice echo after me, then I shall see your faithfulness even for the weak

Walking in the foot prints marked out for me until you call me home.

Now like a rising storm stir me up for your name sake

Like a raging fire spark within me burning desire for your glory

And on the altar of my praise, let there be no other higher name than Jesus crucified

Offering my body purely as a living sacrifice

Seeking you daily for the saving of my soul

life is a storm, busking in the sun for one moment and shuttered on the rocks the other (7)

help me know what to do when waves blow hard upon my small boat

remind you to trust you not only in dark but even in complete day light

in days when all hope is gone and the sky too close to my head,

be my refuge and hiding place

gratify my heart’s desire lord, that my joy may be made complete

set my heart to pursue only that which carries eternal value

so that I may not waste the opportunity of leaving a godly legacy for generations to come.

Form life’s first cry to final breathe you alone determines my destiny

And till you return or call me home, here in the power of Christ I stand,

AMEN!

1. romans 7:24

2. psalm 90:14

3. Isaiah 32:12

4. john Lennon

5. psalm 90:12

6. psalm 90:15

7. Alexander Dumas
BY: kiggundu wilson