Christmas

I have a picture on my wall which I took the same date last year.  It is funny how time runs fast without realizing it yet we live each hour of the day through out the year.  But at the end of the day it still comes back to be Christmas,  I love Christmas the same way I loved it 20 years ago. 
Merry Christmas to you family,  and to those I have loved along the way.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Kiggundu Wilson

What if dreams don’t come true?

I don’t know about you, but when I read biographies of great men, peoples whose life has been great and done wonders on the face of the earth. My heart bounces, wondering how my everyday life is puzzling up to the fulfillment of my great commission. Have you ever wondered that or is this being me? You read that thick book of Keith green and see how the good and the bad led to and pointed to his calling, 

something  difficult for me to say with the different pieces and phases of my own life. Life is not weather prediction or sports betting, it’s a mystery that unfolds bits by bits with or without knowing. I trust it is true. That, “life is understood backwards but lived forward”.  This for me is not retreating from the mission, but a preparing my heart for the worst.                                                               

What if dreams don’t come true? I have had my share of the world and it hasn’t been all that good. I pray prayers telling God enough is enough. That at least this is the right time for me to face something different from that, which my body has become numb to, it’s time to hear sounds that open my ears wide open, sights that are new, and life experiences that surprise my operating system.When it is all dark around me, the storm setting to come, and the clouds forming their way towards me, I take a ruler to measure ages back ,my past life, days gone. And through the uncertainty that lies in the human brain, I wonder to whether my good days are behind me or way further ahead? I don’t want to blink and the next thing I know is I am dying with a pile of unfinished works,                                  

What if the lord wants me to remain as humble as my past, what if I don’t hit big dreams and live the reality that exists in my head? What if I remain in the world of complete controversy where everyone thinks I am crazy because of what I believe in? What if I don’t ever get to a point where people think am right? What if all I ever do in life are petty jobs earning only a lay man’s wages that leaves no legacy? What if I age to 50’s and at the end have nothing to show for my hard work? What if corruption does not change in our time of ruling the nation of Uganda, then which generation will flip this nation round? What if the mystery of HIV/AIDS is not resolved in the time of our breathing, leaving our children and grand children to share in the same curse? What if homosexuality is finally made legal and embraced by our people? Then what moral legacy shall we pass on? What if our economic system does not change, leaving people poor? Something they have seen all their lives. What if people fail to come to Christ, leading their souls to eternal hell?                                                                                         

People say statements like,” where there is a will, there is a way”. Believe and your dreams will come true. Or even, “have faith in the lord, pray and you will see it come true”. And the last one would be a combination of all of them, “believing, praying and hard work will result into dreams coming true”. Am not objecting to any of these, all are true, but i just can’t sit down in a cool shade, take a smoothie and at the end expect all this to happen. And at the same time i cannot eliminate the spiritual part of it (prayer). But does doing all this result into the fulfillment of dreams? Maybe yes, but what if it is the answer we least desire to hear, that NO. What if there is so little to be done that is it so much easy and cheap all can do it and turn a leaf in their lives. But what happens when there is a million other things to be added on that list? so that we would have to check them all off the list, and then it will be automatic all our life problems and question will be answered. Or, to make it worse, what if it is none of the above then where will our imagination take us?                                                                                       
Gratify yourself in the lord and he will give you your heart desires (psalm 37:4) what if this mystery lies only in God and with God. What if the lord’s desire for my life is different from that of my own, in a way that his plans are the opposite of my dreams? The way David was not allowed to build the temple of the lord despite his good motives. What if His purpose for my life is not for me to hit big in any field but remain humbled by low popularity and village status in a way that my influence is limited to my location? Or, what if I never get answers to any of my life questions but just live a simple humble life.  What if these dreams are not for me, but for someone out there like you? Who said dreaming exists, who said fulfillment of dreams is real? Do they surface when we question their existence or do they hide deeper? What if it is a mind made theory to console a haunted brain? Will I stop dreaming when the dreams I hold come true? or will that be the start of the adventure? Am I asking for impossible sacred things for only anointed and chosen ones? or can I also unfold my hands forward and be blessed?  Am I too early for these life questions? I would have to wait till am 30 or 40 to start thinking of thinking about dreams? or am I too late, that these questions are asked by twelve and fifteen year olds? Did I miss that stage and now I am under fixation? Am I on the right path by asking this or am I headed to the deep end?                                                                                                                               
 I don’t know about you, but for me I don’t want to blink any second of my life, only to wake up and I am old and wondering what happened to life. I don’t want to resist death when it knocks; I want to die a happy man, like one of those that is chosen. And yes, what if dreams don’t come true? Will I be able to settle and know that the lord works all things for the good of those who love him? Will I sleep and wake up every morning and say “your will be done on earth as it is done in heaven?                            

Will I blame myself for not working so hard and giving it all my best or will I blame my enthusiasm and zeal for working so hard I missed the point? Will I settle and say to my kids, yes, sons and daughters, this is the path the lord has chosen me to lead and I will rejoice and be glad, teaching them to know His will and walk in it. Will I die a happy man when dreams don’t come true? Will I under estimate His power and authority? 
Will i stop believing or will I hold on to the faith? I pray I do. Because the last thing I request is dying with regrets and questions. Do you ever think this way, or is this being me?What if dreams don’t come true?                                                                                                                         In Christ alone                                

                           Kiggundu Wilson

The joy of my new sister

I press the keyboard with tears of joy, I am a happy man

this weekend,

 I grew up in a place where manhood was a daily topic, I was taught this topic even before I knew I was a boy, and as I grew up, the picture came more live and clear. Time came when I had to make the decision to either jump on this bus of manhood or leave it pass by. I didn’t live it to go, I might be in the back seat but I am it being driven by Jesus to perfection and redemption.

My brother called me on Friday night and gave me news I have been waiting for, for many years. He went on to tell me that namugerwa has been found and was on the way to see him, to me this was strange for I knew no body called by that name who was kidnapped. But he was patient with me and explained to me that it was the missing sister. I knew and was praying to God about this but didn’t know this was the right timing for me to hear this important news. My parents divorced while I was in the womb, mom went on to care for us two brothers and moved to luwero to her parents. From that time onwards, there was no information about my dad, it is so sad that we even got to know he had passed away one year after, I was still young, but even then. Not knowing immediately and attending the burial of my one father left me with doubts and rejection towards those who were concerned.

Dad and mom were so close and tight so it shocked dad to come back home and find mom gone and the keys of the house with the neighbor, things were crumbling by now for my dad, marriage was over, business failing and his children taken away never to see the first born again and never to see and welcome his unborn child (me). He got into a fruitful relationship with another woman and had a daughter with her before he took his life, this girl would later become the missing dear sister in the mind and life of her caring brothers. I don’t know whether she had an idea that we even existed. But she didn’t have to know, because we knew. And that is all it took.

I hadn’t have any information about her, all I knew was that she was a girl (now a lady), and that kept me going, this was enough for me to pray, think and fantasize of the day we would actually meet for the first day. I didn’t even know her name, that’s why when Patrick told me namugerwa was found, I didn’t know who in the world she was and how she affected my world. It was my sister, yes my own. Words can’t explain how my heart leaped with joy and how wide of a smile I got at hearing this news. I slept a happy man on Friday night, it was like I was whole and complete, peaceful and calm. I was frustrated with school and other stuff but at that moment, that all became nothing, it was like immediate change from cold to warm. Yes I went from Grambling to thankfulness. And who can do this if it is not God.

As men, we are called to protect others, especially those girls and women that the world there seems to under look, this I learnt and I can say tried as much as I could in the past and the present to not exploit and make weak vessels feel unsafe around me. Through my perseverance to making this my theme, my heart was not at peace. Why, my sister. I was here learning how to be a good influence to the ladies around me, but who was teaching the boys who were within the location of my sister to be real men? Who was protecting her from being exploited? Who was walking besides her? Who was correcting her views about life? Who was teaching her about Christ? And who was teaching her about womanhood that sends a pleasing aroma to the throne of God? These questions remain unanswered in my brain and may be they will never be answered but yet I still find myself searching for answers.

 I thank the lord for surely placing me in a place where I got to learn these pillars concerning life, yet for some reason my heart still unsettles because I did not get to love, protect and know my sister at the age when I needed to. I know I should not take the blame for this but there is still a part of me that desires to revisit history and do it all over again, to change the whole story and giving meaning to it, to practice it all on my sister and my own. But these things are left to the lord and because they are sacred, I worship. This is not to say i regret those relationships I got while my family was apart, no, I thank the lord for them and can’t replace you for anything greater. Maybe God intended it that you may see all my mistakes through that journey of growth and struggle for perfection. That my sister at last could see perfect and clean. Sometimes I pray my first born to be a boy, this is not because of gender superiority or anything like that, but I want to have him first so that I can teach him how to love and protect his sister that follow him, something I missed.

I called her yesterday night before I went to bed, I for sure didn’t know what to expect from the other end of the phone. I had to cry at hearing her voice, it was like a dream come true, and yes it was a dream come true for both of us. For two decades we have been apart, doubting the existence of the other, and right there on the phone. I heard the voice and said yes, she is alive.  Her polite and calm talk convinced me she was so pretty and has a big heart. I don’t yet know her other name because I was so happy to ask any question but from her voice and gentle talk, I can guess that her second name is peace. Yes,

Hope to meet her very soon and know her part of story, and yes I have a sister now, my very own. I am older which makes me her big brother. Yes. I can now rest, I can now die, am one of the chosen. (But not yet) I need to meet her first. 

in christ alone

                      kiggundu wilson

life

What is life if we don't learn from it?
What is history if there is nothing to remember? Then those moments we say we lived may other words be called wasted years, with nothing to hold onto as memories, no bruises to mark our struggles and no scars that trail our pain. Living life as though we are its keepers, with no worry of how today's actions affect the future. Living in an era where pleasure has replaced responsibility, Then what is happiness and to whom does it run to, does it go to all or does it have a tendency of favoring some. But then what is there to grab in moments of laughter, or is it a cover up to the buried sorrow and pain inside each dark heart.

Then who can define life in its trueness? Who even has an idea of what consist of it, is it the dead or the living? I really can't guess, because the dead view it with regret of past actions while the living live everyday naive of future expectations. May be for both it presents itself in ways far different from each other. For those on their death beds, wishes may be the anthem ruling their thoughts, while the young, dreams, ambitions of climbing on top of the world may cloud them from seeing life in its true colors. Who then has the audacity to define for the rest? Some has tried but hence been disqualified by their uncertainty of the future. For life is not the past and present but greatly our hope for what is a head of us which is hidden by time. And it is through past experiences that sharpen our character which character defines what we truly are.

It is those scenes in life when we made sacrifices for the sake of others, those dark nights of unclear sight, those mysterious silent mornings of seeking lost identity, and common misty moon light nights with no shoulder to lean on. May be it is moments similar to these that we remember the most, when life was far from us to chase and giving up was next to letting go. When our dreams and purpose in life are separated by a Chinese wall so tall we can not see the rising sun. What then is there to keep us going if it is not hope? The confidence that our shutting dreams will tomorrow gain strength they need. That our bitter moments will ferment a better character than that produced in those easy comings. And the promise that the sweat our hard work will yield seeds for the next generation.
Lord knows we are desperate for change, willing to let our guards down to do anything to see those dreams gain a sense of reality without defiling what we have defined as morals to us. Some think it is only high that we have to climb, sometimes it is how low we are willing to dig to reach our pursuit in life? Some occasions it is diving off the Brooklyn bridge deep down if what we are searching for is under waters.

It is courageous people like these who are willing to start low to get high that learn the basics of humility which are far hidden from those who float in the sky. Those who face life at its worst and never let go of hope even when it seems so distant from their understanding. Those like you who believe life is meaningful for something greater and refuse settling for mediocrity
It is the seeking of something better than ourselves that some dare to hope that someday They will discover why in the world they even exist, why they consume the amount of air they do and why their hearts never stop beating. Are we born to live ordinary and be like ordinary persons? The answer can be different around the globe. and won’t get a free answer if we ask it to the masses. Hence am I born to live an ordinary person's life? no, I don’t think, that has never been my dream and will never be. and this I know, that I was born to make change.

life is a mystery that I accept, but I don’t think that hinders me from researching the mystery and don’t think we will live to find the mysterious part of life unless we live it out. and so here I am.

Kiggundu wilson