A lot can be said about the past, I have the power to decide what
to do with what happened to me in the past, through all the hatred shown by
relatives, the failures I have encountered just because I had selfish men
around me. At a tender age, I was not given a chance to enjoy the benefits of
childhood and all it had to offer me, there was no benefits to enjoy, it may
look like I was denied them but you know, many children in Uganda don’t have
what one may consider his rights, like many other Ugandans, I was forced to
grow at a tender age, forced to be a man through difficult and trouble, through
harsh words and abuse. When you ask me now if I would like to repeat that kind
of life, no on no, I may not what to repeat any of the scenes of my childhood; I
don’t care whether good or bad. Dad died
by suicide, his father died the same way, I live in constant fear of what the
future has concerning what my leaving earth, I very much know that no matter
how I leave this planet, my straight destination is heaven, for that am
confident. But doubt comes when it comes to my stay in heaven. One my not
understand this but looking back at my past, past has defined what heaven looks
like, because of my not staying in a home for a long time, it has given me a
fear of heaven being the same way, I know it will great but someday it will be time for me to
leave.
Like in many African countries, fathers in Uganda produce children
with hopes of them growing up and helping their parents in the old age. Imagine
growing up with parents, who hope that when you actually start working you will
support them, one is not given a chance to live his dreams but actually lives
his parents dreams up to the day they die, then live his dreams. Parents out
here do not believe in building their children shades but believe in their
children building shades for them, this is one of the many ideas in our culture
that needs to change. At the time when dad died, relatives were ready to take
all that he possessed without thinking of the three kids he left, selling all
he had for their own benefits. We were too young to know anything about that. I
do not rely on anything left by my father, because there is nothing left. I don’t
plan living in walls he built but plan building my own walls, I don’t rest in
shades planted by him for it was cut the moment he left earth. I don’t walk in
paths paved by him but pave my own, I found not foot prints to follow but
create my own. Living each day with fear and doubts of what lies ahead of me
and wondering whether the foot prints I create and road I pave will last for my
children to walk in them to, I pray that they may not have to create their own
after mine have faded, this is because I have tasted what it means creating my
own and making them last, I fear I don’t have what it takes. Living in humiliation,
fear of what lays ahead, poverty, taken advantage of, getting the last priority,
a deaf ear and a blind eye is everyday life for the fatherless. They are seen
misfortune, a curse, disaster, problem and garbage even y their own people who
should have love and nurtured them, this is not news to the fatherless but daily
life. Hearts of fatherless children have come to hate love, not because they
don’t desire it but because it was denied to them at the point when they needed
it the most. And if presented, it was presented wrapped in a wrong package. This
then causes them to protect their heart from further hurt of this kid, the
heart builds a callas that normal love cannot penetrate, no wonder many
fatherless are difficult to control.
95 percent of the world problems are caused by men, why? Because of
the poor definition of manhood they have believed and therefore lived from
childhood. I have come to believe that after Jay dangers talking about it and
giving several examples. It’s time for men to rise up. My main concern is the
young generation which has seen their fathers live selfish lives, living for
the present without consideration of the future. It is us who have been hurt by
the past that should rise. While others complain of their parents not buying
them Christmas gifts, thousands are having to endure the pain of not mom not
having food for Christmas launch. Many fathers don’t understand how crucial the
role of parenting is in the lives of their children, fathers get up caught in
making a living that they forget making a life in their children’s lives, while
fathers are making a living, mothers are sacrificing their everything for the
survival of their children, carrying a heavy weight which they were not meant
to carry. God gave men the power of influence
in the family, and I believe that that many husbands and fathers are going to
be guilty on the judgment day. Many men give a deaf ear to this kind of message
yet their some men who regardless or the mistakes they made in the past and
regardless of what their fathers did or didn't give will give the strength of
their arms and the rest of their days to loving God, teach our children to do
the same and possibly mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who
desperately need help, direction and an arm of guidance in their lives. This is
what I am dedicating to be,
Michael Jackson after living a threatening and abusive life with his
fathers, he was right when he said, when a child lives this life knowing he is
loved,
And leaves this life knowing he is loved,
Then what happens in-between will be is to deal with.
The identity of each growing child lies in having the confidence
that he is loved, unfortunately, many of us grew up with nothing close to that
so have struggled finding and seeking identity in that which is not. Seeking
approval, looking for merits and pleasing people so that we may feel the empty
space created by the absence of loving, caring, protecting and guiding fathers.
If you have one who is close to this, its time you made use of him. many seek
to have one who they talk to, one who will guide their paths, one they will
trust, lean on and one who will look in their eyes and tell them, “ that’s not
right”, unfortunately they find none, because the ones they are looking to for
counsel are also in regrets. They are all looking for someone. You have
someone.
My whole life is about breaking statistics, am not settling for
less, am lot doing what the world tells me to do to be successful but doing
that which the bible tells me to be in a relationship with Him, I never had a
glace on my dad or torched him or him torching me, I live with a hope that when
we meet on in heaven, he will look at me and for the first time hear his voice
say, “am proud of you son” I wish we meet! I can look at the past with a reason
that stops me from dreaming of a great future, the past does not give enough good
reasons for me to stop dreaming, it rather offers perfect reasons for me to
dream higher than heights, deeper than depths and wider than east and west. I have
kind off tasted a better life than the one I lived a decade back and now I want
to live the rest of the life this way. A life of hope, a life with a future, a
life with dreams and more than anything, a life of love. The story is not a
mistake but was part of his creation story, like Jenny Dangers blog tittle
says, “HIS STORY, “MY WORDS”, this is not my story but his story active in my
life, which I decide to express in my own words. Like in John 9:2-3,
I believe Jesus’ answer to his
disciple answers the whys behind my story. If this story does not bring me near
to Christ, then I would have lost it. I wish it didn't happen but at the same
time the past does not determine my future, it only makes my story and gives me
a testimony. God gave me this story, it’s his story. I believe that God’s story
does not end in ashes, and mine is not. Am not going to let this story be a stumbling
block but am using it as a stepping stone to reach the skies.
It might be hard for anyone reading this, hard is it for the one
who is writing it? It is hard but the more times I've told the story, the more
time I have become confident with it. The more the healing, I live to give my
children that which I did not get at a tender age,
I live to planting shades for my children,
I live to make them trails,
I live to building them walls,
I live to leaving them marks,
I lie to leaving them foot prints.
Shades which they will trim,
Trails they will pave roads out of,
Walls they will turn into houses,
Marks of cornerstones and
Foot prints they will follow.
I want to live a life in a way that when it’s time to for me die, I
don’t regret of what I didn't do, but dying is the only thing am left to do.
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