life

What is life if we don't learn from it?
What is history if there is nothing to remember? Then those moments we say we lived may other words be called wasted years, with nothing to hold onto as memories, no bruises to mark our struggles and no scars that trail our pain. Living life as though we are its keepers, with no worry of how today's actions affect the future. Living in an era where pleasure has replaced responsibility, Then what is happiness and to whom does it run to, does it go to all or does it have a tendency of favoring some. But then what is there to grab in moments of laughter, or is it a cover up to the buried sorrow and pain inside each dark heart.

Then who can define life in its trueness? Who even has an idea of what consist of it, is it the dead or the living? I really can't guess, because the dead view it with regret of past actions while the living live everyday naive of future expectations. May be for both it presents itself in ways far different from each other. For those on their death beds, wishes may be the anthem ruling their thoughts, while the young, dreams, ambitions of climbing on top of the world may cloud them from seeing life in its true colors. Who then has the audacity to define for the rest? Some has tried but hence been disqualified by their uncertainty of the future. For life is not the past and present but greatly our hope for what is a head of us which is hidden by time. And it is through past experiences that sharpen our character which character defines what we truly are.

It is those scenes in life when we made sacrifices for the sake of others, those dark nights of unclear sight, those mysterious silent mornings of seeking lost identity, and common misty moon light nights with no shoulder to lean on. May be it is moments similar to these that we remember the most, when life was far from us to chase and giving up was next to letting go. When our dreams and purpose in life are separated by a Chinese wall so tall we can not see the rising sun. What then is there to keep us going if it is not hope? The confidence that our shutting dreams will tomorrow gain strength they need. That our bitter moments will ferment a better character than that produced in those easy comings. And the promise that the sweat our hard work will yield seeds for the next generation.
Lord knows we are desperate for change, willing to let our guards down to do anything to see those dreams gain a sense of reality without defiling what we have defined as morals to us. Some think it is only high that we have to climb, sometimes it is how low we are willing to dig to reach our pursuit in life? Some occasions it is diving off the Brooklyn bridge deep down if what we are searching for is under waters.

It is courageous people like these who are willing to start low to get high that learn the basics of humility which are far hidden from those who float in the sky. Those who face life at its worst and never let go of hope even when it seems so distant from their understanding. Those like you who believe life is meaningful for something greater and refuse settling for mediocrity
It is the seeking of something better than ourselves that some dare to hope that someday They will discover why in the world they even exist, why they consume the amount of air they do and why their hearts never stop beating. Are we born to live ordinary and be like ordinary persons? The answer can be different around the globe. and won’t get a free answer if we ask it to the masses. Hence am I born to live an ordinary person's life? no, I don’t think, that has never been my dream and will never be. and this I know, that I was born to make change.

life is a mystery that I accept, but I don’t think that hinders me from researching the mystery and don’t think we will live to find the mysterious part of life unless we live it out. and so here I am.

Kiggundu wilson

Every day

Every day, same story, familiar sounds and common grounds only on different days, wondering when that routine will be broken by a more exciting adventure.

Every day, sleeping with questions of how tomorrow is going to be different from yesterday but with less control giving way for time to be the judge. 

Every day, contemplating on how different life would have been if I had played the right card.

Every day, memorizing lines thinking they would fly me up to heights of indisputable intellectual pride.

Every day, raising my expectations higher than the eagles nest, and not at any moment settling for lesser values than those that represent who I am.

Every day, holding on to self-proclaimed dreams of defeating tomorrow’s struggles with today’s determination.

Every day, going to bed with night mares that elude me from the fur long generated confidence of finally being me.

Every day, falling down subdued and over powered by small sin that leaves me volatile, vulnerable and desperate for the saving grace.

Every day, sustaining hope with ambitious delights that comes with the rising sun from the east.

Every day, life is full of light and shadows; it’s like the hills I see from my window, green and beautiful under the sun but hostile and dangerous in the dark of the night. Yet comforted by the promise of a new bright morning.

Every day, preparing myself for the worst, that may arise from self-negligence or ill hardheartedness from the opposition, lest I be taken in surprise.

Every day, forcing the mind to accept that life is full of mysterious encounters, whose questions cannot be explained and understood by the living.

Every day, taking on risky challenges that mount to breathe taking consequences, heart breaking but at the end life consolidating.

Every day, when lifelessness falls on me, misery becomes me anthem, and regret forms a heavy weight, I will not fall, I will not forget, but will remember those days of endless laughter.

Every day, discovering that humanity is more prone to light than darkness and that at pressing of the right button at the right time, every human soul can be overcome by light ever enduring in them.

Every day, believing that human beings will always have that special beautiful ability to rise from the ashes of their shame and un reconciled past, taking on new journeys to pursue new and fresh dreams that seem hidden, and that at the count of 1 2 3 4 5, I will regain the confidence to pursue and live those dreams that seem entangled in lashes of imperfect luck.

In Christ alone

                        Kiggundu Wilson

Christmas fantasy

It seemed like long ago when we were dreaming of Christmas, but as the clock kept moving, the closer the hours changed and now feeling the tickles that Christmas gives. it was a fabulous one last year with friends, who knew that I would have Christmas very far away from home, maybe the lord is taking me further from those I call family to give me another home and new people I call family. The process though goes with side effects which my heart has not yet come in agreement with. I still miss home, I still miss family.

Christmas for me has always been about celebration, it has been about thanks giving and Christmas has been about family. There are many people in the world who can’t afford any type of feast celebration and many who represent themselves as the entire family. Do these horror occasions deprive Christmas of its meaning? I don’t think so, for it is not what is happening now that defines Christmas but what happened 2013 years ago. In every situation, painful or painless, in hunger or feasting, in dancing or morning, in loss or gain, there is still room for one paramount humbling event, “thanksgiving”.  That for me is this Christmas; I want gratitude to be reflected in all areas of my being. it is difficult not to wish Christmas was this and that, it is easy to be filled with regrets about yesterday missing out on life lessons that today brings us. Because I can’t afford to celebrate as I wished to and won’t see family which would have done me pleasure, all left for me is a silent and calm night of gratitude reflection.

It is going to be a Christmas that either marks the end or the beginning of events in my life hence it is better to say it’s going to be a miracle Christmas.  I now have a good conscience of where am supposed to be going and a clear blue print of my destination yet my feet seem to be stuck in deep mad. It is in that deep mad that I see others by pass me on dry ground, not that I have lost sight of the way, no, in fact I can see clearer than ever before but there is just this one thing. It’s for this reason I want to use the most of this Christmas in a grateful manner because it may end with a new me or a duplicated me. With a smile I want to look back and say it was a merry Christmas.

I want this Christmas to be a Christmas of repair, a moment of healing and redemption and drawing near to his saving grace, my fantasy this Christmas is understanding what the lord thinks of me. I want to embrace it in a way that I have never before, know I am his son, he loves me, am redeemed and forgiven, am the apple of his eye and that my name is written on his palm. I know this truth, but for sure, I can’t say I understand it. I want to collect all the broken fragments of the past and through them in his manger, because I want my brokenness to be dealt with first.  And at last, I want to know the meaning behind the past events to my story.

Merry Christmas to you, who love me and follow my writing,
Merry Christmas to you, who remember me in your prayers,
Merry Christmas to you whose life story am part of,
Merry Christmas to you, who are part of my life,
Merry Christmas to you, whose life mission is reflecting Christ to others,
And to those of you who think of me often and can’t wait to see me, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you whom I have loved along the way.
And to those whose principles and code I still uphold and have made me a better Kiggundu. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you all
In Christ Alone (ICA)

Kiggundu Wilson

Christmas fantasy

It seemed like long ago when we were dreaming of Christmas, but as the clock kept moving, the closer the hours changed and now feeling the tickles that Christmas gives. it was a fabulous one last year with friends, who knew that I would have Christmas very far away from home, maybe the lord is taking me further from those I call family to give me another home and new people I call family. The process though goes with side effects which my heart has not yet come in agreement with. I still miss home, I still miss family.

Christmas for me has always been about celebration, it has been about thanks giving and Christmas has been about family. There are many people in the world who can’t afford any type of feast celebration and many who represent themselves as the entire family. Do these horror occasions deprive Christmas of its meaning? I don’t think so, for it is not what is happening now that defines Christmas but what happened 2013 years ago. In every situation, painful or painless, in hunger or feasting, in dancing or morning, in loss or gain, there is still room for one paramount humbling event, “thanksgiving”.  That for me is this Christmas; I want gratitude to be reflected in all areas of my being. it is difficult not to wish Christmas was this and that, it is easy to be filled with regrets about yesterday missing out on life lessons that today brings us. Because I can’t afford to celebrate as I wished to and won’t see family which would have done me pleasure, all left for me is a silent and calm night of gratitude reflection.

It is going to be a Christmas that either marks the end or the beginning of events in my life hence it is better to say it’s going to be a miracle Christmas.  I now have a good conscience of where am supposed to be going and a clear blue print of my destination yet my feet seem to be stuck in deep mad. It is in that deep mad that I see others by pass me on dry ground, not that I have lost sight of the way, no, in fact I can see clearer than ever before but there is just this one thing. It’s for this reason I want to use the most of this Christmas in a grateful manner because it may end with a new me or a duplicated me. With a smile I want to look back and say it was a merry Christmas.

I want this Christmas to be a Christmas of repair, a moment of healing and redemption and drawing near to his saving grace, my fantasy this Christmas is understanding what the lord thinks of me. I want to embrace it in a way that I have never before, know I am his son, he loves me, am redeemed and forgiven, am the apple of his eye and that my name is written on his palm. I know this truth, but for sure, I can’t say I understand it. I want to collect all the broken fragments of the past and through them in his manger, because I want my brokenness to be dealt with first.  And at last, I want to know the meaning behind the past events to my story.

Merry Christmas to you, who love me and follow my writing,
Merry Christmas to you, who remember me in your prayers,
Merry Christmas to you whose life story am part of,
Merry Christmas to you, who are part of my life,
Merry Christmas to you, whose life mission is reflecting Christ to others,
And to those of you who think of me often and can’t wait to see me, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you whom I have loved along the way.
And to those whose principles and code I still uphold and have made me a better Kiggundu. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you all
In Christ Alone (ICA)

Kiggundu Wilson

like a pencil

My life and relationship with God is the same way as that of the

pencil and its maker before it is produced, the maker knows the way it should look, what it should do and how it should do what he has made it to do. It is in this same way that I am with God For the pencil to be effective in the work of writing,

It must be held. The pencil doesn’t write on its own, it must be held in the hands of the writer in order to leave the writings on the paper, it is in the same way I must be held in the hands of my creator for me to effectively carry out the work that I was created to do. And nothing if out of the will of him, for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5.

It is the inside that matters, there weren’t many pencil designs and decorations at the time I was young, but as years have rolled by many designs have been evented, for many pencils users, the color, size and pencil design is important. But we forget that it is the inside graphite that matters most, it’s so sad to see us living our lives based on the outside, the real determining factor of our proper functioning is what the lord has made us from the inside, how we look, tall and size has less to do with our efficient functioning, we forget the destiny of our souls by planning for 30 years ahead of us denying the reality of our souls in 300 billion years, we satisfy our hearts with rottings blinded from the Everlasting happiness, we worry too much of tomorrow yet he said. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Leave a mark. What good is the pencil for use if it doesn’t leave a mark for the writer, in the same way, what good is me if am not influencing the world for positive change, if am not spreading the gospel, if am not loving for a lasting impact, if am not expanding the kingdom of God. If am not making disciple around me. The pencil leaves a mark, so should we leave a godly legacy for the next generation.

Has to be sharpened. After too much friction of leaving a mark, the pencil has to be sharpened for renewal; there are days when we also need to be sharpened by the word of the one who called us. 2 timothy 3:16 which might also take different methods according to his divine will, yet even through it is painful, we come out more equipped for the sake of good works

Rub. Sometimes the pencil slips away from the hand of the writer; it is at that point that the rubber is useful to get rid of the mistake. The lord calls us for holy living, nothing below that does he invite, but his mercy extends to our failures for he remembers that we are dust, and does not give us more than we can bear. But gives us an opportunity for humility, we have a chance through his grace to rub our mistakes; he doesn’t hold us against our sins. We can at the end of the day kneel down besides our beds, use the rubber of prayer and repentance to rub our past mistakes.

So like a pencil, am held in the hands of him who created me to do his good will, what matters is not my outside but what I am inside through is divine image, I leave a mark of change and positive influence around me, I run out so I have to be sharpened by his word, and since I can’t get it perfect, he gave me a rubber of prayer and repentance. I believe all of us can do what we were made to do here if we take on the analogy of a pencil.

 by: kiggundu wilson

In Christ alone

I woke up four days ago with the same unanswered question I face most mornings, asking myself, what does it mean to have a full grasp of being in Christ alone?

I can’t claim that I’ve been doing a great job staying in Christ, but I can surely say that this theory has been and is my heart’s desire for this year,

not that I will get it all at the end of the year, but even learning an inch more than I know now would be a privilege for my relationship with Christ and wouldn't settle for anything less, not most but all aspects of my life is found and defined me being in him, and him alone.

being in Christ for me can be a boundary of both thin and thick walls, a thin line in a way that anyone can enter into the realm and enjoy the privileges offered by Christ, all it takes is believing and admitting ones sin and that Christ is the only answer to the torment of guilt. Romans 10:9. The process doesn’t take special classes, skill or rare abilities that few possess, but an open humble heart willing to face the weakness and imperfection of its weakness. for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23.

Being in Christ as a boundary of thick wall, I view it in a way that "once in, never out",

And you were also included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal of the promised Holy Spirit, who is the deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- Ephesians I: 13-14

And

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?.... For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35, 38.

Am sure of days when all is good with my soul, when I can’t wait to wake up the next morning to enjoy an intimate relationship with God, I go through the day wearing a smile showing a reflection of the state of my heart. And the trust and confidence that comes with the package, those days when I feel alive because I can feel the manifestation of his presence, giving me no chance of doubt,

But what do I do when my communication line with God is disconnected, (not by sin but by His divine will, Isaiah 45:15) when I no longer hear him, I have come to know that my friendship with God is in most cases driven by feelings, I come to trust that he’s with me when I worship and see his eyes open at my praise, when his spirit helps me understand my morning devotion and when my prayers are a sweet aroma and with all being well.

But this is not all year round, I can’t mention how many times I’ve thought God abandoned me just because I don’t feel His presence, the more I’ve got myself in this situation, the more I’ve come to learn that my friendship with God should not be built on feelings that change like Uganda temperature but should rather be built on a firm foundation of trust that remains strong despite the shaking earthquake. God’s presence and manifestation of His presence are two different experiences, one is a fact and the other is a feeling, am so caught up in feelings that I miss the facts of his being and nature.  He wants us to feel Him, but He is more concerned that we trust Him than feeling Him.

So how do I praise Him when I cannot understand what is going on around me?

How do I stay connected to Him in a crisis without communication?

And how do I look to Jesus when there are tears in my eyes?

Like Job, God remained silent for 37 chapters of the book, am sure if his relationship was built on good feelings, Job would have doubted Gods goodness when his skill turned into a playground for the flies. Trust is what kept Job in Christ(God), that despite the affliction and God’s silence, he was still inside those thick impenetrable walls that are never loosened by sin and affliction, connected to the source he was.

I started on this in Christ journey, with desire and passion I will pursue it until it leads me to understanding Him more than I do now because my livelihood, productivity and fruitfulness is tied up in me being in Christ, otherwise I might as well be a dry stamp in the middle of a busy road tripping those who come my way. 

by: kiggundu wilson

Everyone is looking for that something

Everyone is looking for treasures beyond themselves

That something which gives them happiness at all times

Joy hidden so inside but reflects outside

A smile none can predict its source

Rivers of unpredicted laughter and everlasting joy

Days when valleys of doubt are filled

Some find it in the faces of their children;

Some seek it in their beloved parents

While others look for it in those they love

Their spouses and the ones they can’t live without,

Some find it their grand parents

And some find it the children born to their children

Many have that treasure in memories of their past

Yet a multitude finds it in their present

No matter where, everyone is looking for something

Some find it in the morning sun rise,

While others seek it in the evening sunset

So where is your treasure?

When are you happy?

How your joy is made complete?

Some find it in the peak heights while others travel in valleys

Just to find what they call theirs

Few have it in summers and is lost when winter knocks

There is no end to seeking treasures, neither a starting point

You begin when you start and end when hope is lost.

Some find it in their jobs,

Others seek it in hobbies they enjoy

While few find it in families back home

This is their own treasure

Selfishness ones share it with strangers, while selfish ones keep it to themselves

Some can die for that they seek, while others deny the fact

Some value less while many take it as a fortune,

But no matter the tagged value, much it means to its owner

And to him, it’s worth fighting for

It’s a treasure, happiness and joy, no matter what it is

because everyone is looking for something

Some find it in their best friends’ words,

Some in neighbors who have always been present

Others in strangers ounce doubted.

Some seek it in parties, while others enjoy it in quite moments of loneliness

Some people’s treasures are hidden beneath,

While others are flying in the sky,

But no matter where it is hiding, seek it no matter what

For it is yours only and yours alone

Some know not what their treasure

Some can’t fly as high as the treasure they seek

others can’t run that fast So think they don’t deserve what awaits them

What lies behind promises not more than what it offered

So some lose hope of pursuing their dreams..

They lose focus of search for a better purpose of living

Don’t stop dreaming dear; don’t stop hoping, for you are not a lone

Everyone is looking for something

Some look for it in the trash,

Others in baskets with wide holes

Some seek it in dew that disappears in no time

Others in grass that is but only a little while

Some are fighting for it in the bending economy

No matter how big or small

How tall or short

Cheap or expensive

What is the security of what you are looking for

Who does it glorify?

And who does it satisfy?

Who is your treasures creator?

How long does it satisfy you the seek?

Spend no more sleepless nights if it is not heavenly

Waste no more time searching if it is not eternal

Seek not if its satisfaction is only but temporary

Looking for joy, looking for happiness?

Searching for a treasure, looking for satisfaction?

You have not to fly or dive under deep waters

For all your hearts desires are combined in one being

The way the truth and the life

Outside this, sorry, you are lost pursuing a dream with fake benefit

And fighting a war without a cause

Indeed everyone is looking for something

God’s presence lets seek, for it is the greatest discovery for a human soul

Finding his ever present presence.

can't get it right!

i might have to be honest here, not matter how hard, how long, how great i have tried, i just can't get it right. i have a fear that i might not to it right yet if i don't am gone.

for just one time, lord, let me do it perfectly, most times it seems as if it is too close to never let go yet i know it does not belong to me. just can't get it right! am sorry

AS I SAIL

Young to dreams ambitions and alive to a perfected vision in a life driven by purpose and good will.

Opportunity of adventure awaits me there in the wild.
A great catch out there far from the coast, hence will not return without a heavy net...
I place one foot into the boat followed by the other.
Away from the shallow waters i pedal into the deep.
I reject still waters that reterd my competence
a small sized boat i am yet settle not for its size...
I therefore go out into the deep
far away where many despise hence few have sailed
too far for cowards but a challenge for the brave
it is a rough sea that produce a skillful sailor
so dive into the rough storms where my courage is sharpened and perseverance is put to a test.
My boat goes there where big ships sail,
where winds blow and waters rise, out far where i will be tossed.
Am aware of the challenges that await me yet my attitude out ways the fact...
Sailing out not like the lost, pedaling not like am blind, although with strength haste never.
With prayers of patience i drift away with wisdom into the unknown
 and am for sure not alone 
the lord my God is already before me 
He goes not to settle the storm and set my course beforehand.  
He is my rear guard who protects my feeble flame and strengthen my weak muscles
he won't let me stumble and even if i hit an iceberg he will be there

not home yet!

This is definitely going to be a hard topic for me yet glad to tackle it because it has been on my mind for some time, as I sat in meditation yesterday in a dark room left only me and my mind to entertain myself for the rest of the time till I could sleep, this was a slopping ground for the meandering of my thoughts.

There is no hard topic than that which fetches the past, but well, growing up as a little boy (before I joined new hope Uganda) life lost its meaning for many reasons, but what I want to talk about today is the lack of a home, this can take different measures of meaning, whether a physical home or people that I myself call family, my childhood years are filled with memories of movement from one village to another and from one neighborhood to the other only cared for by those who understood the situation. Day time was the best time for me because I was nowhere around the “house” and because child care was and is poor among people in the village none bothered looking for me, but trouble came at sun setting, this was a time to face the reality of being homeless, a time to regret my behavior earlier in the day for my sleeping in that small mad grass thatched house was entirely determined by my earlier acts. I remember days when I didn't measure up, when I did not do good enough to deserve spending the night there.

Having been raised in that kind of environment there has been a struggle within me to live different from how I was raised, to simply work hard to provide myself a place I call home, this has been a genuine fight yet has been discouraged by the way things have been not working as planned, it has indeed made me think of how this is going to be difficult especially putting in account of the economy of Uganda at large.

The lord at the same time has caught hold of my heart changing things round to pointing to a better home than walls and a roof, my view of a home was distorted by childhood experiences to creating in me a lifelong desire to build and create something which would last forever instead of concentrating on myself who was meant to last forever.

 For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven:

 What i don’t actually understand while on this earth is that life is a temporary assignment, i not yet home, life here on earth is described as  a mist, a wisp of smoke,

 (For we are but of yesterday, and know nothing, because our days upon earth are a shadow:)

While on this earth i get so much attached to it that i fail to let go, it offer many good temporary items that I may mistake it to be my final destination and home, this is one thing that I appreciate from the story of my childhood, that although it was hard to live in those days the lord was teaching me not to settle for less, not to settle for what the world was offering me but through the struggles look for a home after knowing that am only but a stranger.

 I am a stranger in the earth: hide not thy commandments from me.

If I don’t posse a home here on this earth then there must be a better home, but the struggle is thinking that this is all that life has and settling as citizen forgetting that my home is in heaven with Christ. These homes are just a tip of a fore shadow of what we are to meet in heaven.

 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God.

We are Christ’s ambassadors here on this earth but we have for some reason become traitors by falling in love with a place that is not ours.

We find no satisfaction on this earth because this is not where our ultimate satisfaction lies, we were not meant to be here forever, the sad fact is that some have become like fish that happily lives outside water an incident that never should occur.

Let us stretch our faith (Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.) to the unseen and see heaven as our home. Let us understand that this life is a small proportion of our life after death when we will finally live the rest of lives in his glory. The 100 years of this life is just like the tip of an iceberg but the rest of life in eternity is the big unseen part under the surface.

I most times find myself in the footsteps of a retiring missionary coming back home on the same ship with the president of united states, a cheering crowds, a military band and a red carpet and the media welcomed the president home but the missionary slipped off unnoticed. Feeling self-pity and resentment, he began complaining to God just like any human, then the lord gently reminded him, but my son, “you are not home yet”

So when life gets tough, when am overwhelmed with doubt, or when I wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, I am reminded that am not home yet. Knowing that I won’t leave home by death- but will go home where I was meant to be.

BY: kiggundu wilson via the purpose driven life

pillars of mistrust (part three)

I must say I had little knowledge and understanding on what trusting and hoping in God had to do with my relationship with him, and while I was reading his holy word my eyes where blind to verses talking about trusting and putting my hope in God until now that my mind has been awakened to this reality. My luck of trusting in this great God hindered me from truly seeing God as he is but rather viewing him in an angle that I viewed men based from the story of my childhood, it is sad that I thought he would leave me for my not being updated or measuring up, and despite my desire and longing for a better relationship than the one experienced, I knew He would one day walk out of my life especially in days when waves were too high for navigation. I know I was wrong and probably God was looking at me with mercy and grace yet I had too many lies around me to feel grace.

 As I have been sitting every evening at my veranda  (it can get pretty hot here) I have been soaked deep into the mystery of trusting in my lover and finding the purpose of my existence. Remember that my heart at this point had come to a point of fully without doubt understanding that i gave God my heart but denied him the trust and hope, As I have been reading my chronological bible I have come to know that God is pointing to something and going somewhere with every story and it requires faith trust, belief and hope to take a walk with him.

God made old Israelites wander in the desert and not enter the Promised Land and the root of everything was their lack of trust in the God who had delivered and was their sustenance up to that far. Why would these people not trust God even after witnessing all that Moses did in his name?

The lord said, how long will these people treat me with contempt?  How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them? (Numbers 14:10-12)

I read this as if the lord was talking directly to me, how long will you not trust and believe me? I could of course not answer but with stillness i questioned my own actions of mistrust.

It is further astonishing knowing the reason why great leaders (Moses and Aaron) were denied the privilege of entering the Promised Land,

But the lord said to Moses and Aaron, “because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them”.(numbers 20:12)

Trust was a key factor here, something even brilliant leaders like Moses and Aaron could not do without.

The lord is really opening my heart to understanding that trusting him and having perfect hope is very crucial in my relationship with him, and finally believing that I actually glorify God when I trust him, not trusting in him has far more consequences than can be thought of, my soul has been haunted by every day circumstances through constant worry and misery with the hope that I can clear all the obstacles a head of my way yet the more I did the more fog in my way was. I have carried all the weight that there is on my weak back instead of letting him take it all. I have also struggled having peace of mind which has been my aim amidst tribulation, this has deprived all of my everything just because trust and hope was my weak points, and my pillars have been challenged and put to a test of holding me in time of trouble but because foundations on which they were built on was not strong enough, fear has been my immediate company yet,

But why not trust in the lord, why doubt his works done in the past and assurance of things not yet seen, wake up my soul, rise within me and trust your maker. In you o, lord do I trust, let me not be put to shame. and may I not be counted among those who your judgment falls on because of disbelief,

For this hope I was saved, but hope that is seen in no hope at all, who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have yet we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

Listen to me, o kiggundu, you who I have upheld since you were conceived and you I have carried since your birth… I am he; I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:3-4

And the one who trusts in the lord will never be put to shame. Romans 9:33

Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but in the name of the lord my god I trust (psalm 20:7)

I yet know there days when my trust in him is put to a test by the trouble that surrounds me and thoughts of the past but when am afraid  I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise, in God  I trust so will not be afraid ( Psalm 56:3-4)

So now I set out in dedication to trusting and hoping entirely in God, he who formed me and made, he who lives not very far away from me for he is my present help in time of need. Let the storm rise above my head, let the sound roar to my ears but you lord I trust, the hope of my salvation and refuge on this earth where i am only but a foreigner, only a passerby. so until you come or call me home, you alone indeed determine my destiny, help me trust in you with unwavering faith.

BY: kiggundu wilson

pillars of mistrust (part two)

I did not know this was going on in my life until my small ship was faced with a huge wave more than it could master, Because I hide nothing from those close to my heart I considered help from a friend asking for prayers and seeking Gods peace even in the storm ahead of me, (this wasn't exactly how I presented the matter) this friend saw my doubting heart and wavering faith that they seriously asked me,  doesn't it make you happy and make you feel good when someone trusts you? How much more then does God delight in our trust in Him?  This was more than a Facebook message, it brought my mind to a point of re-evaluating my trust, comparing my trust in God with that I offered fellow men, do you really trust God kiggundu? was the echo that escorted me to bed that hot night and never left until I answered the haunting question. It was then that I realized how much I had given God my heart but denied him the trust he ought to have in the first place. I relaxed the moment he gave me part of him that I did not pursue more of what he had to give, and now am seated in my wooded chair outside on my porch only imagining the beauty I would have if I pursued all that he had to offer me, I find myself thinking of how I wasted those years of trail in putting my fragile trust in things less than the ultimate.

But in my distress and staying up late, filled with regrets and hopelessness of my unfulfilled desires, God was not ready to let me spend that time in vain but there and then proposed a tossed that would latter would bring me everlasting joy and satisfaction in heart, at that moment I felt like the lord was inviting me for something more than I have ever known and experienced just like I was invited to manhood not so long ago, an invitation to leave my childish behavior to join the company of godly men around me, this time the lord himself was inviting me into the holy of hollies  Seated in his mercy sit he was;

·         calling me to live out the trust I had always desired but feared expressing,

·          it was an invitation to drop my dead hopes and wavering faith to finally trust in him who had eternal value.

·         To stop carrying burden that don’t belong to me and carry the light ones he had to offer my weak back

·         To place self-guilt of the past into the forgiveness of his free sacrifice

And in all this he promised I would be a happier ship with my acre in him than elsewhere, giving total satisfaction that nothing else could offer (can’t get any better than this).

Those born with a silver spoon in their mouths and have means of gratifying desires know not what real happiness is, just like those who were built on pillars of mistrust can alone testify the sense of peace realized when you finally start trusting. I was wrong to assume my trusting journey was done when I partially scratched the surface but now am convinced am on the road that leads me home after giving into the proposal.

Yet in me am still asking myself why God waited this long and at the same time answered by the conscience of this quote;

“It is only those who live in scarcity who can appreciate the gift of abundance”

By his own purpose He let me pass into great turmoil of disappointment days of loneliness in the presence of thousands of people and made my eyes see acts that only moved me further away from those who owed me love so that I may have no hesitation in appreciating days like these when I would face the opposite.

pillars of mistrust (part one)

There are many things that shape the way each of us sees life, some know pillars on which their life is built while others live in complete unawareness of the phenomenon, when I mention pillars I picture a building whose support and existence entirely depends on how strong the pillars that support it are. And depending on the area and circumstances in which we were raised, experience has become our way of proving the right from wrong. The past experience then becomes the lens of living and viewing the past which does not only affect us but even the people around us.

Am one of those who believe that am created for a reason and because am not my own maker there lives one who exactly knows the purpose of my existence, it is never too late to be what you were made to be so seek the purpose of my existence with guaranteed assurance of an answer because am in love with Him. In amidst of all the trouble of knowing what this life is for, I knew I could not find the answer by lonely thoughts, worry and misery ( am one of those guys who thinks can solve life problems by thinking a lot and keeping it to myself, external help would show my weakness and vulnerability). Yet for this time, God took ahold of my heart like a citizen would hold a lost stranger’s hand taking him to where he should be, indeed I was like a ship looking for a harbor with no compass for direction.

I have been a believer since September of 2010 (please don’t doubt my word, for those who have been around me this is shocking yet true) and why did i not let God have control over my heart is because it had been hurt so deeply by those I risked it out to so really did not further hurt by a god who seemed very distant at a moment, for all of those years I was trying as much as possible to build thick impenetrable walls around my fragile heart. I trusted no one because I hated history repeating itself. with the experience gained from childhood God seemed another ordinary man who would disappoint me yet inside me was a desire to have a close friend, a man in my life that I would enjoy a personal relationship with, this idea seemed so hidden inside the walls I had created that none could sense its existence.

Growing up in a Christian atmosphere at a later stage of my life, the teachings I heard daily and verses I saw at every corner inch made me think about the idea of having a relationship with Him, three times I gave it a try but my manhood was not ready to beg for relationship and healing from a god who kept silent at  the brutality that crossed my face, (maybe that’s why I find difficult begging) I surely knew that trusting him was real by the smiles that those who did possessed, but I was ready to only view from a distance and regret passed experience that held captive. For the fourth time that I risked my heart to God, He had devised a plan, this time it wasn’t just giving it a try, no, it actually stuck. From then till now the lord has had my heart desiring to love him more every day and wanting a deeper relationship with him. I prayed that he may clean my heart of the passed hurt and fill it with something I knew not of, (what good could I ask him which I knew not of). But because I knew that mistrust was a pillar that my life had been built on i asked him for help in the area of trust beginning with men around me.

The following year was a year of flourishing harvest in the area of my weakness, when the lord helped me start trusting, I did not realize when it happened but reached a time when for some days my conscience told me something was wrong in my entire life. finding what had gone wrong took me some days of soul searching and heart evaluation, instead of my heart realizing something was now right, it rather convinced me something was not right and needs correction, well, I had started trusting, and because all I knew was the opposite my heart and mind could not handle the sudden change and drift. I was never the same, my heart was put to a place where it should be. My accountability was improved from doing things my way to doing them the way that godly people do and act (this also means I asked and updated people on what was going on in my life) but yet I can now look back at that “trust” and go,… who was I trusting?..... I can for sure say that although I began the trusting journey in my relationships more of the trusting went towards those around me than God, I went off the main road joining a path that only went farther away, I don’t regret the start of the journey for sure but wish I stayed on the main road that led to complete trusting in the one who gave me the gusts to start it, for all these months I have been sharing my testimony of his redemption while my trust and hope was in something less, so had settled for less all this time? Although one of my pillars was fixed, it was only painted to hide the cracks at the top yet underneath the foundation it had serious cracks that needed more that plastering and painting.