pillars of mistrust (part one)

There are many things that shape the way each of us sees life, some know pillars on which their life is built while others live in complete unawareness of the phenomenon, when I mention pillars I picture a building whose support and existence entirely depends on how strong the pillars that support it are. And depending on the area and circumstances in which we were raised, experience has become our way of proving the right from wrong. The past experience then becomes the lens of living and viewing the past which does not only affect us but even the people around us.

Am one of those who believe that am created for a reason and because am not my own maker there lives one who exactly knows the purpose of my existence, it is never too late to be what you were made to be so seek the purpose of my existence with guaranteed assurance of an answer because am in love with Him. In amidst of all the trouble of knowing what this life is for, I knew I could not find the answer by lonely thoughts, worry and misery ( am one of those guys who thinks can solve life problems by thinking a lot and keeping it to myself, external help would show my weakness and vulnerability). Yet for this time, God took ahold of my heart like a citizen would hold a lost stranger’s hand taking him to where he should be, indeed I was like a ship looking for a harbor with no compass for direction.

I have been a believer since September of 2010 (please don’t doubt my word, for those who have been around me this is shocking yet true) and why did i not let God have control over my heart is because it had been hurt so deeply by those I risked it out to so really did not further hurt by a god who seemed very distant at a moment, for all of those years I was trying as much as possible to build thick impenetrable walls around my fragile heart. I trusted no one because I hated history repeating itself. with the experience gained from childhood God seemed another ordinary man who would disappoint me yet inside me was a desire to have a close friend, a man in my life that I would enjoy a personal relationship with, this idea seemed so hidden inside the walls I had created that none could sense its existence.

Growing up in a Christian atmosphere at a later stage of my life, the teachings I heard daily and verses I saw at every corner inch made me think about the idea of having a relationship with Him, three times I gave it a try but my manhood was not ready to beg for relationship and healing from a god who kept silent at  the brutality that crossed my face, (maybe that’s why I find difficult begging) I surely knew that trusting him was real by the smiles that those who did possessed, but I was ready to only view from a distance and regret passed experience that held captive. For the fourth time that I risked my heart to God, He had devised a plan, this time it wasn’t just giving it a try, no, it actually stuck. From then till now the lord has had my heart desiring to love him more every day and wanting a deeper relationship with him. I prayed that he may clean my heart of the passed hurt and fill it with something I knew not of, (what good could I ask him which I knew not of). But because I knew that mistrust was a pillar that my life had been built on i asked him for help in the area of trust beginning with men around me.

The following year was a year of flourishing harvest in the area of my weakness, when the lord helped me start trusting, I did not realize when it happened but reached a time when for some days my conscience told me something was wrong in my entire life. finding what had gone wrong took me some days of soul searching and heart evaluation, instead of my heart realizing something was now right, it rather convinced me something was not right and needs correction, well, I had started trusting, and because all I knew was the opposite my heart and mind could not handle the sudden change and drift. I was never the same, my heart was put to a place where it should be. My accountability was improved from doing things my way to doing them the way that godly people do and act (this also means I asked and updated people on what was going on in my life) but yet I can now look back at that “trust” and go,… who was I trusting?..... I can for sure say that although I began the trusting journey in my relationships more of the trusting went towards those around me than God, I went off the main road joining a path that only went farther away, I don’t regret the start of the journey for sure but wish I stayed on the main road that led to complete trusting in the one who gave me the gusts to start it, for all these months I have been sharing my testimony of his redemption while my trust and hope was in something less, so had settled for less all this time? Although one of my pillars was fixed, it was only painted to hide the cracks at the top yet underneath the foundation it had serious cracks that needed more that plastering and painting.